But now she's having trouble letting go. The only thing that would hurt more is if you made a fake proposal or if you married her against your will: a breakup before an engagement hurts less than a breakup after engagement, and a breakup after engagement is infinitely less painful than a divorce. She thinks marriage will solve everything and when she realizes that isn't the case, she'll be even worse off. He saw me reading the book after five or six days together and didn't panic and got a ring." so true. To me it felt like my time was running out to get married and have a baby and if that wasn't something he wanted I told him he had to let me go. Let her go. Malcolm, that’s very selfish. She thinks that the only reason I am dating her is because I want "practice". That's life. that exactly. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. Is she pregnant : Throughout the whole relationship she has been insecure because she doesn't think she is pretty enough for me. But you SHOULD articulate those reservations to her so you two can figure out if they can be resolved in a specific period of time or if this relationship has run its course. If it's something you don't want she needs time to find some one who does want those things. .ehsOqYO6dxn_Pf9Dzwu37{margin-top:0;overflow:visible}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu{height:24px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu{border-radius:2px}._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:focus,._2pFdCpgBihIaYh9DSMWBIu.uMPgOFYlCc5uvpa2Lbteu:hover{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10);outline:none}._38GxRFSqSC-Z2VLi5Xzkjy{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT{border-top:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);cursor:pointer;padding:8px 16px 8px 8px;text-transform:none}._2DO72U0b_6CUw3msKGrnnT:hover{background-color:#0079d3;border:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-body)} in this case she could be worried about having kids or something. Well, I’ll show him. I don't know what to do here, I care about her, and one of the reasons (not only), is so I can be more attractive for her. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/IdCard.80f3288bcfb1334f33fa.css.map*/._2JU2WQDzn5pAlpxqChbxr7{height:16px;margin-right:8px;width:16px}._3E45je-29yDjfFqFcLCXyH{margin-top:16px}._13YtS_rCnVZG1ns2xaCalg{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._1m5fPZN4q3vKVg9SgU43u2{margin-top:12px}._17A-IdW3j1_fI_pN-8tMV-{display:inline-block;margin-bottom:8px;margin-right:5px}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY{border-radius:20px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;letter-spacing:0;line-height:16px;padding:3px 10px;text-transform:none}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY:focus{outline:unset} For the last year she has been pressuring me to propose. She asked why she was not enough. .Rd5g7JmL4Fdk-aZi1-U_V{transition:all .1s linear 0s}._2TMXtA984ePtHXMkOpHNQm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;margin-bottom:4px}.CneW1mCG4WJXxJbZl5tzH{border-top:1px solid var(--newRedditTheme-line);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:none;fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:middle;margin-bottom:2px;margin-left:4px;cursor:pointer}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover ._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{display:inline-block}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs{border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B.IeceazVNz_gGZfKXub0ak,._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk{margin-top:25px;left:-9px}._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:focus-within,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:hover{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border:none;padding:8px 8px 0}._25yWxLGH4C6j26OKFx8kD5{display:inline}._2YsVWIEj0doZMxreeY6iDG{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;padding:4px 6px}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;margin-left:auto;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg,._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq{font-weight:700;color:#ff4500;text-transform:uppercase;margin-right:4px}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq,.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-weight:400;-ms-flex-preferred-size:100%;flex-basis:100%;margin-bottom:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX{margin-top:6px}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._3MAHaXXXXi9Xrmc_oMPTdP{margin-top:4px} Do you want to get married because of a threat? So you are holding off on the proposal? Be honest with her. Think about your “wifey” status. It's always what I wanted but we were having fun and we were young so it wasn't an issue at first. If you are not ready then you are not ready and she cannot force you to do it, Explain it to her, if she cannot understand then it's time to move on. When the time is right for us to take that step, I will propose to you. And yes, it will break both of your hearts. It’s okay that you wanted him to and you totally deserved it. I was going to come here to say the same thing. i think it mabee wrong to propose to her now, you both may love one another dearly, but I think if this was going to work she would be with you right now, I'm not doupting that she doesn't love you as you can carry on loving someone for months after a seperation. ._33axOHPa8DzNnTmwzen-wO{display:block;padding:0 16px;width:100%}.isNotInButtons2020 ._33axOHPa8DzNnTmwzen-wO{font-size:14px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:32px;text-transform:uppercase} I've been with someone like this. My brother had a look of relief on his face, but also slight anger. She said that she left the show because the time was right, and the fact that she was leaving didn’t come as a surprise to fans since she had announced the exit months earlier. It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. It’s not about age, it’s about maturity level) because she doesn’t want to waste any more of her time. I think it is perfectly within the girl's right to decide that they are both at the point where they've gotten to know each other sufficiently well to marry (four years is plenty) and are at the right point in life (completed their education and both have full time career jobs). On top of this, you propose or it is over? After four years too? The thing is, if you're looking for someone who occasionally offends, well, that would be me. Do I let her walk away? I took the easy/cowardly way out and I cheated." Now you're stuck and have to decide if you want to get married or you are willing to lose her. ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:12px;padding-top:12px}._3AOoBdXa2QKVKqIEmG7Vkb{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);border-radius:4px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-direction:row;flex-direction:row;margin-top:12px}.vzEDg-tM8ZDpEfJnbaJuU{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:14px;width:14px}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between}._2ygXHcy_x6RG74BMk0UKkN{margin-left:8px}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._3BmRwhm18nr4GmDhkoSgtb{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto;line-height:16px} Stop wasting her time. We spent 4 months separated because we broke up. This was all his own doing due to poor expectation management. Which do you think will hurt you more? You have every right not to want to be married. It ended up really stunting my emotional growth because even after I went to college, I was really shy and not confident. I was furious. Exactly. Don't let her go if you still love her. She on the other hand didn't really take this issue alright. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast, More posts from the relationship_advice community, Continue browsing in r/relationship_advice. Do not be afraid to let go of someone that is pressuring you into doing something you don't want to. She replied we need to talk. If commitment is your problem, you're an asshole for dating her for 4 years. She set a boundary, he either respect it or cross it. She isn't ready, and a relationship that has come to ultimatums is done. Go ahead and follow her idea, and find someone better than her. I was faced with a same type of situation in the past (she actually proposed to me), and deciding not to marry her was absolutely the right decision. "Marry me in 3 months, or I'm leaving you?". Sucker question: both will hurt. I don't feel comfortable getting married this soon, I don't think I have known her long enough. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/TopicLinksContainer.361933014be843c79476.css.map*/. But I think the ultimatum is no different than her proposing and asking the question as both require either a yes or no type of response. She has constantly asked when I will, and mistakingly I have thrown out dates. Whichever honest thing you do now will hurt a hell of a lot. I needed to be stable. I'm going to tell you now that your June ultimatum is not going to happen. But now you're stuck either going against your wishes and marrying her - and for God's sake don't do the sick evil sociopath thing of proposing without having any intention of marrying her - or telling her the truth at last and losing her. This is excellent advice. ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{margin-bottom:8px;position:relative}._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq._3-0c12FCnHoLz34dQVveax{max-height:63px;overflow:hidden}._1zPvgKHteTOub9dKkvrOl4{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;font-weight:400;word-wrap:break-word}._1dp4_svQVkkuV143AIEKsf{-ms-flex-align:baseline;align-items:baseline;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);bottom:-2px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap;padding-left:2px;position:absolute;right:-8px}._5VBcBVybCfosCzMJlXzC3{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText)}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);border:0;padding:0 8px}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:active,._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:hover{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextShaded80);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextShaded80)}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:disabled,._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI[data-disabled],._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI[disabled]{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextAlpha50);cursor:not-allowed;fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextAlpha50)}._2ZTVnRPqdyKo1dA7Q7i4EL{transition:all .1s linear 0s}.k51Bu_pyEfHQF6AAhaKfS{transition:none}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:block;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-field);border-radius:4px;padding:8px;margin-bottom:12px;margin-top:8px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-canvas);cursor:pointer}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK:focus{outline:none}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK._3GG6tRGPPJiejLqt2AZfh4{transition:none;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO{cursor:pointer;transition:all .1s linear 0s}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{border:1px solid transparent;border-radius:4px;transition:all .1s linear 0s}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO:hover ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button);padding:4px}._1YvJWALkJ8iKZxUU53TeNO{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._3jyKpErOrdUDMh0RFq5V6f{-ms-flex:100%;flex:100%}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 .dqhlvajEe-qyxij0jNsi0{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._12nHw-MGuz_r1dQx5YPM2v,._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 .dqhlvajEe-qyxij0jNsi0{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._12nHw-MGuz_r1dQx5YPM2v{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._3zTJ9t4vNwm1NrIaZ35NS6{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;font-weight:400;word-wrap:break-word;width:100%;padding:0;border:none;background-color:transparent;resize:none;outline:none;cursor:pointer;color:var(--newRedditTheme-bodyText)}._2JIiUcAdp9rIhjEbIjcuQ-{resize:none;cursor:auto}._2I2LpaEhGCzQ9inJMwliNO,._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{display:inline-block;margin-left:4px;vertical-align:middle}._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;margin-bottom:2px} Here's her story. I didn’t contact her since 8 days and nothing came back. You need to be able to articulate that to her, regardless of the reason. So here is the background. There just wasn't any rush. Nothing against him and if he had let me go I would feel it was as much my fault for wasting so much time hoping things would change. She has the right to know that you're not going to marry her. We both have fulltime jobs, and are recent college grads. The next day I realized i didn’t want him to marry me because of a ultimatum so I Said I love you, im not going anywhere, we can get married when the time is right. I thought what we had was great, she never once showed signs of wanting to hook up with other people. She has constantly asked when I will, and mistakingly I have thrown out dates. My girlfriend left me because (one of the reasons) I was not moving in, and I was not saying anything to get married. you need time to clear your mind and think if you want to try and get her back! You can do better man. I deleted her on all social media and chats, but didn’t … Don't marry her. And how would you know if you were ready for marriage? ._3Im6OD67aKo33nql4FpSp_{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetBorderColor);border-radius:5px 5px 4px 4px;overflow:visible;word-wrap:break-word;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);padding:12px}.lnK0-OzG7nLFydTWuXGcY{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;padding-bottom:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-navIcon)} Your insecurities right now are not taking us that way. and if she thinks leaving is better then it's per choice although I think she's super insecure and I certainly wouldn't marry her. Do you believe you missed the fun time of your twenties ? One thing you need to make clear to her is that it's not okay go give you ultimatums like that and that she needs to respect the fact that you're not ready, It is okay to make ultimatums if that's really what you want. WTF were you thinking? You need to explain it to her that it take more than just love to be successful as a husband/Father and what not. The other part may be that she's feeling that biological clock ticking and wanting to make sure she can start on a safe bet for a family before she passes too far across the baby line. It would be really horrible for both OP and possible-child. It was by no means easy, we had ups and downs but in the end neither of us could picture a life with out the other. I didn't really take it as an issue, ideally I would have love to have done the same, but that's life. But the point is we talked about it and got on as much of the same page as possible. But for the most part she's done the same thing. Now I'm childless and alone at 42. "Maybe we both thought our minds would change and we'd land on the same page like with almost everything else but it … By Karen Cross. I know I shouldn't have done that, but I gave in every time because she … She doesn’t want a guy who isn’t ready to grow up (even if he’s 30 or 40 years old and hasn’t committed to her yet. But we're going to have to put this hurdle firmly in our rear view before that can happen. If she has two jobs and a child, those are things that you just can’t give up for a selfish guy who might disappear after the sex stops being good. Whatever you choose to say, don't propose under this ultimatum. Man B: We didn't pick an exact time, but as I mentioned before, we were about to graduate college and it was a time for making decisions. 4 years... shit or get off the pot. I still don't feel like I'm ready, but I fear losing her. It becomes a chore when you have to constantly remind someone that you love them, that they are attractive, and or they force unrealistic promises upon you (proposal) Have you two consider seeing a therapist? By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. She writes, "My boyfriend 24M shamed me 26F because I was too tired to have sex. But a no answer probably means that your relationship with her is over as there is no reason to put this off longer. Any marriage born out of an ultimatum will end in flames. That being said, I do love her, but this has been causing a huge strain on our relationship. It’s not the end of the world. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Need help with your relationship? ._1x9diBHPBP-hL1JiwUwJ5J{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:#ff585b;padding-left:3px;padding-right:24px}._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4{height:16px;padding-right:4px;vertical-align:top}._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5{height:20px;padding-right:8px;vertical-align:bottom}.isInIcons2020 .icon._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5{vertical-align:middle}.QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{height:18px;padding-right:8px;vertical-align:top}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1LLqoNXrOsaIkMtOuTBmO5,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._2B0OHMLKb9TXNdd9g5Ere-,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 ._1xKxnscCn2PjBiXhorZef4,._3w_KK8BUvCMkCPWZVsZQn0 .QB2Yrr8uihZVRhvwrKuMS{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)} From two comments on Reddit, in response to this post: Nope, don't take her back. We are in our early 30s, knowing each other for just 1 year. Ruth Wilson has offered further insight into her abrupt 2018 departure from Showtime's hit series "The Affair," saying she "didn't feel safe," according to the Wrap. As other posters have said, you have the right to not want to get married, but this isn't what has happened here. 28 years old and giving you all this crap? Is this an issue related to her living style (too messy) or kids? Some of them even work out. Because this is now a huge wedge between you. And it won't be the only time either. Could be wrong there, but the age is right for it. Press J to jump to the feed. Throughout the whole relationship she has been insecure because she doesn't think she is pretty enough for me. 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